A letter to my fellow gamers

Hi folks, sorry it’s been a while but I have a few side projects going on at present and sadly the world of game reviewin’ has had to take a back seat. Even today’s review isn’t a review as much as it is a full scale insanity rant. This is to let me blow off some steam and give a roarin’ to all the people that this affects!

As some of you may be aware I work in a dead-end, thankless and downright soul-destroyin’ job! I hate it, I hate with every fibre of my human existence, it really is the worst place on earth and that includes an American prison. On my lunch breaks I like to do a bit of browsin’ and being the gamer head that I am I would enjoy checkin’ out the newest games and seein’ the reviews about. Sadly however, the only site my dick-headed office will let me on is the retard filled and shite brained IGN. Never, in all my life have I read such utter bollocks, I mean these people actually get paid to sit down and write the pish they write and then call it a review. Let me give a quick synopsis of how an IGN review is shown at the end.

+ Great Gameplay
+ Amazing Graphics
+ Spectacular lifespan
+ Breath Taking Soundtrack

– Poor Story

= 2 out of 10

I wish I was bein’ sarcastic or over dramatic for comedic effect but I’m not. These wank-stains will mark a game terribly if the story is no good, don’t believe me? Check it yourself; this piss-ant web site gave the original Kane and Lynch (one of the worst fuckin’ games in history I might add) 7 out of 10, all because of the story! A game that was so horrible to play I actually now use the disc as a coaster as it works better as one than it ever did as a game! Now let’s jump to the opposite end of the scale, Killzone Shadow Fall, an amazin’ly gorgeous game that is fantastic to play. These wankers gave 7.5 because of the poor story and that’s it, they essentially dropped 2 and half marks off the score because they didn’t like the cut scenes. WHAT! THE! FAWK!?

Recently I’ve have been playin’ Catlevania Lords of Shadow 2 and every review I read about it said the same thing, great game but shit story, and thus they gave it a bad review. What the hell is wrong with everybody!? When did games start to rely so heavily on the sections that you don’t fawkin’ play? I hear people sayin’ that they couldn’t play a game if it doesn’t have a good story regardless of how amazin’ the game is to play. That depresses the hell out of me! So many great games will be missed because they don’t have a good story or any story at times.

What ever happened to the excitement of sittin’ down and lookin’ forward to shootin’ the crap out of bad guys, shovin’ chain saws up pinky demons asses, punchin’ the shit out of Ryu, flyin’ round the course quicker than anyone else, soarin’ through the skies while launchin’ 50 heat seekers at millions of enemies, figurin’ out the puzzle as quickly as you could, buildin’ up your army to prepare for an invasion or gettin’ into the ring so you could bust up Brock Lesner with the Hulkster? When did the cut scenes become more important that any of this?

It was a few days ago that I almost gave up the reviews because of these thoughts. What is the point in reviewin’ games when no-one seems to care anymore? Thankfully though that’s when it hit me, of course I have to keep reviewin’ game for one simple reason which I shall explain. Ladies and non-ladies, My name is Stewart Grave Gibson and if you what to know how a game plays, looks, feels, sounds and smells then you have come to the right place. If however, you want to know if non-playable cut scenes are worth watchin’, fawk off, I don’t know nor do I care for this site is dedicated to one thing and one thing only. The review of games and nothin’ more!

And with that, I bid you a good day!

Injustice: Gods Among Us

Let’s face it, us nerds all have a favourite comic book characters and gawd help anyone who tries to tell us that there favourite is better than ours. We go deep into the characters back stories and past exploits to prove our points that no-one could beat our favourite ass kicker. But there are certain characters, who for reasons beyond my logical thinking, have a huge fawkin’ followin’ and are actually taken seriously as comic book titans. People like,

Aquaman – I mean, his name alone is lamer than leper with no legs who also happens to be a dead beat dad with no actual kids. And what can Aquaman do? Well he can talk to fish, whoop-de-fawkin’-do! I can see it now, Lobo arrives and is totally wreckin’ the shit outta Metropolis, Superman is off fightin’ Doomday on the moon somewhere, Batman is havin’ his head fried by the Riddler and his stupid fawkin’ puzzles, Wonder Woman is stuck in the kitchen (where she belongs) and Green Lateran is off screamin’ in pain because a kid threw some yellow play-dough at him. So, here comes Aquaman who decides to get as many Great White Sharks, Krakens and Piranha as he can muster and then…………. realise they can’t leave the water, the fawkin’ duh! So he decides to use his super strength and practically unbreakable skin and then realises that he is up against Lobo, a psychotic space biker who fights with Superman for fun, FOR FAWKIN’ FUN! Anyway, Metropolis is destroyed and all the other DC guys (except Wonder Woman who is now Charlie Sheen’s sex slave) get really mad and Aquaman goes back home once again, sadder than a midget in a ‘gettin’ stuff off a high shelf contest’. That’s pretty much how every issue of Aquaman finishes and I should know, cause I’ve never read a fawkin’ crappy issue of it.

Luke Cage – So, here we have a hero for hire. He’s Luke Cage, now known as Powerman, who really should be known as he who sucks many bollocks. Luke Cage is crap, really crap. He has unbreakable skin and that’s about it, which kind of makes him Marvels whippin’ boy. Think about it, anytime a Marvel villain goes on a rampage Luke Cage shows up actin’ all tough an’ shit only to have the livin’ snot knocked clean out of him. Usually the other others are havin’ s smoke break, updatin’ their twatter status or are just happily sittin’ back and watchin’ as Juggernaut beats Luke Cage around like the Terminator maulin’ a crippled toddler. Luke Cage is just a buffer to allow the proper heroes to catch their breath and get back to the action. After all, he doesn’t actually do any damage, he just gets his ass kicked, again and again. That’s the worst superpower ever! Can you imagine the board meetin’ for this guy? “So, we need a new super hero, what have you got us Jefferson?” “Well, he’s called Luke Cage, and he has the power to get his ass kicked more than any other super hero.” Yes, the board thought, this was a great idea and thus Luke ‘give me all you got I can take it’ Cage was born.

Captain Marvel (DC) – So this guy is basically a 12 year old kid, who shouts “Shazaam!” to turn into a superhero. Yeah, you can see where this one is going. This guy is magic, apparently. He is a small boy trusted with the power and wisdom of Solomon (Jesus) and transforms into a muscle bound moron after shoutin’ the previously mentioned super-queer phrase(Christ). So let’s say you’re Grundy and your knockin’ seven shades of shit outta Captain Marvel, you pummel him to the point where he’s so weak he transforms back into the bastard child, you pick him up and lift a particularly sharp metal pipe with the intention of rammin’ it through his neck, heart and face. He opens his eyes slowly, smiles a smug bastard smile and says “Shazaam!” Thus a completely fresh and unwounded Captain Marvel now stands in front of you, what a fawkin’ wanker! The rules are simple, when you’ve lost, you’ve lost. Accept defeat and move on, Aquaman always does and he’s not too depressed or suicidal. His powers you ask? Well, he’s Superman basically and he can throw lightenin’! So yeah, really fawkin’ excitin’, I should point out at this time that the sarcasm is literally drippin’ out of me.

DareDevil – So a blind man in gimp outfit decides to be crime fighter. This has to be one of these worst heroes ever! I mean the guy just beats up the baddies and then acts as a lawyer to put them in prison. Here’s the flaw to his plan, anyone that Matt Mur-Douche puts in prison always, and I mean, always gets out. He must be the shittiest lawyer ever if they keep gettin’ out on technicalities. Then as DareDevil, all he seems to do is fight with other heroes, normally complainin’ about the justice system but sayin’ it’s the only one they’ve got while he does, the bastard, shit-fawker! His powers? Sonar, pretty much. Yep, he’s a blind lawyer who fights people with a small stick, why doesn’t some just shoot the bastard? Sonar doesn’t re-act that fast, it’s not like he has spidy-sense or anythin’. Come on Kingpin, just shoot the wanker, it’s not that hard, seriously. I do it on a daily basis for gawds sake!

This brings me nicely onto Injustice: Gods Among us. You remember Mortal Kombat from 2 years ago, course you do, it was fawkin’ awesome! You remember the MK vs DC, course you do, it stank more than a 6ft dung beetle after it had eaten vindaloos the night before.Well, basically you’re gonna mix those two together and get an awesome 2D fighter starin’ the characters of DC comics, cause apparently Ed Boon has a real boner for DC. Allow me to explain, this really Mortal Kombat, the fightin’ feels exactly like it but there’s a whole heap more depth to it. Tekken style jugglin’ mixed with Street Fighter corner rape. Well, the corner rape lasts until someone blasts you with acid from the truck behind them. The characters are all whom you’d expect, Sups, Bats and Latern and a few you wouldn’t who actually turn out to be pure class. And of course, The Main Man but only by DLC, so don’t expect to go bounty huntin’ as soon as you put the game into your console. Graphics are pretty sweet and they got most of the proper voice actors (yay Kevin Conroy) but not all of them (Boo, no Mark Hamill). Gameplay is slicker than a greased up snake going down a water slide, it plays very fawkin’ well, combos are simply to learn but tricky to learn what to juggle them into. Ultra moves can be pretty epic, especially Luthor’s very own “kama kama kama ha!” with satellite feed to show the full effect!

So yeah, the NetherRealm studio boys have done it again. Showin’ Capcom that they are not kings of the 2D fighter world, thanks fawk! Cause Capciom kinda suck at the moment.

Tekken Tag Tournament 2

I was sitting lookin’ after some children the other night, (I was tryin’ my hand at paid baby sittin’ you see) whom range between the ages of 6 and 12, when I heard a most peculiar statement. All of the little bastards were mis-behavin’ you see, so like any good watcher of children would do I got off my chair, put down my beer walked over to the young scamps and slapped the shit clean of out them, for well over and hour, whilst wearing favourite jewel incrusted knuckle duster, laughin’ the entire time.

When the children owners, or parents as they’re sometimes known as, returned home I was informed that this was the incorrect way to discipline children and that’s when the strange statement was said, the children’s male owner, or father, first told me I wasn’t bein’ paid and then claimed and I quote, “Violence is never the answer.” I was stunned by this remark, so stunned in fact that I waited for the front door to be slammed in my face, broke into their garage and stole all the beer from the fridge in it, yep, that’s how stunned I was.

If violence was never the answer we’d all be Germans, Mongolians or worse yet, Decepticons! I’m not sayin’ that violence is always the answer, of course not but they are times, like when a short, silly-moustached Austrian man declares war on the world, when you kind of have no choice but to go kick some one-testicled ass! Kids these days are clearly out of control, and why is that? I’ll tell ya why! Cause folks don’t seem to be allowed to go round kickin’ their or other kids asses! Kids feel no fear of punishment anymore, so they break, destroy and wreck shit cause they know they’ll get nothin’ more than a tellin’ off from their limp wristed parents! NOT ON MY WATCH!

Kids of the world beware! I do not take shit whether I am your owner or not! I will smack your shit up good in order to teach the most basic of things, be it table manners, fetchin’ beer or even how to sneak porn out of a shop for the baby sitter these are things that can only be taught to children through the simple and uneducated approach of violence! Besides, the little fawkers deserve everythin’ they get!

This brings me nicely onto Tekken Tag Tournament 2, allow me to explain. Heihachi is the greatest dad every for one simple reason. He kicks the fawk of his son and grandson, that’s how bad ass this old man is. But strangely enough Jin and Kazuya are actually pretty well mannered fawkers (see, the system works). But more importantly TTT2 allows me to once unite the greatest tag team in beat ’em up history. I, of course, am talkin’ about King and Armour King. Since gettin’ my copy of TTT2 I’ve been stompin’ over everyone as the duo of demolition! The game plays so smoothly and never lets up the fast paced action of Tekkens of old, I’m in love with this game, completely in love! Another nice addition though is that all DLC characters will eventually become available but unlike the money grubbin’ bastards known as Capcom, Tekkens DLC is completely free! Seriously, what isn’t to like about this game? It’s Tekken, in tag form, with a 10 pin bowlin’ mini game, with every Tekken character ever, (No Gon or Dr. B – but fawk those guys they were shite anyway!) free DLC and has even got a Snopp Dogg stage! Waht are you doin’ sittin’ here readin’, go buy it now!

Seriously! NOW! Don’t make me fawkin’ come over there and discipline your ass!